I'm BACK!!!!

I’m still alive.  My temperament is one that gets super into something and then it fizzles out.  (see my first post where I even give no guarantees as to how long I would actually blog) It’s a horrible trait.  Thank goodness I don’t treat Jesus that way!  

Time and time again I have thought, oh yeah…I have a blog...I should blog, but just never could bring myself to sit down and do it.  
 
The last 5+ months have been the most trying months of my life and the one consistent thing that I keep hearing from the Lord through this is “I am allowing this in your life and I want you to live this out publically for My glory.”  I have to tell you….sometimes I have some pretty nervy conversations with God and when He repeatedly brought this to my heart there were a few times where I clearly conveyed my lack of appreciation for Him choosing me to be an example.    “God – I would rather crawl into a dark corner and stay there for a while. And you want me to just go about my life?!?!  Yeah….okay…..”  
But since He is the Creator and Author and One that I made Lord of my life, I am assuming He knows best.  So I’m doing my best.  Failed at times.  Royally failed at times, but I am a work in process. 

Just shy of 6 months ago, my marriage took a terrible turn for the worse.  How could this be?  I’ve always said that I would never allow divorce in my life.  There must be something we can do.  Counseling?  Sure!  We did that.  Repentance, dating back to the beginning?  Yep – I did that.  Read books and scripture on the subject?  Absolutely!  Live on your face before the Lord pleading for a miracle?  Got it!   Think about all of the areas where you went wrong and vow to make those areas a priority? For sure! Yuck with all my junk!   Seek wisdom of pastors and have people lay hands on you?   In a heartbeat! 
But what happens when you can’t control it?  What happens when you give it to God and God allows the unthinkable?  Divorce.  

My faith has been tested more than I could have ever imagined.  My pastor has said many times, “it’s easy to follow God when life is good.  But what’s in you when things get bad?”  
I will tell you, I have been so unbelievably shocked to find out how much I really do trust God.  Sure – have I just sort of lost my mind at times?  Sure.  I’m human. Sadness and dispair will make you do some crazy things. But I got it back together and have always remembered His promise that He works out ALL THINGS for good for those who love Him.  And I do love Him!  I love Him more now than I did before all of this.  He has given me such a picture of His unconditional love.  Funny thing is, it has not necessarily been God’s love for me that showed me that.  Now – have I felt His unconditional love?  More than I could say with words.  But that’s to be expected.  What happens when you feel His love for someone else?  What happens when you feel love for someone that you know isn’t your own love?  He did that for me for my husband.  How merciful and loving is our God!  It’s hard to love someone when they have hurt you.  It’s hard to continue love someone that doesn’t want the same things that you want and doesn't want to go God's way.  So God knew I couldn’t do it in my own capacity.  So He gave me His.  After all, greater is He that is in me than is in the world!  

So here we go!  Completely new chapter in my life.  I am now, thanks to the Lord and His revelation that He gives, armed fully aware of my weaknesses. I like to think of them as little projects that the Lord and I are taking on together.  It’s a “one foot in front of the other” type of project process but hey – you have to start somewhere.  

I thought about going back and deleting older posts where I talk about my marriage and have pictures of us over the years.  We were high school sweethearts so there is a long history there.  But no – why would I do that?  I love him.  He gave me a precious little girl that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.  He was my best friend for all of these years.  Laughed with me.  Screamed with me.  Messed up with me.  Shared victories with me.  Those things matter.  So I refuse to look at this as a failure in my life.  
God came to make all things new and He makes BEAUTIFUL things.  He will make a beautiful life for all of us.  Will there be more bad days?  Oh heck yes.  In fact, it could be tomorrow.  (I hope it isn’t though – I could use a break for a hot minute) And nothing is final for months. But that’s part of the journey.  And I am willing to walk wherever He wants me to go.  

So onward Christian soldier!  (Old school hymn reference – BAM!)  

I look forward to this journey and am excited to see where God takes me! Thanks for letting me share!